RE: Metal Enzyklopädie
Nachdem sich zwischen Heavy-, Bunt- und Oldmetal keine Sau mehr durchfindet, haben sich englischsprachige Musikwissenschaftler die Muehe gemacht, die wichtigsten Spielarten zu charackterisieren:
HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and f**ks the princess
GRIND METAL:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest
TRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and f**ks her....... easy and quick
FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess
VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the castle and burns the place before he leaves
DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f**ks the princess and kills her, then leaves
BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.... then he impales the deflowered princess
DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well
PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist arrives to the princess bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory... the princess escapes, and is now looking for the \"HEAVY METAL\" protagonist
GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guys appearance and lets him enter, he steals the princess make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color
INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f***s the princess and kills her. Then he f***s the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f***s the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f***s it for the last time.
NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
Damit sind hoffentlich alle Klarheiten besaitigt. 8)
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PS: Ich suche immer Leute für Jam-Sessions im Raum Braunschweig, Gifhorn, Wolfsburg und Umgebung!
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I\'m a rambler, I\'m a gambler, I\'m a long way from home.
Well, if you don\'t like me, just leave me alone.
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